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11 Years Later

06/28/2013 - Author: Jennifer

I read a post from Sarah Bessey about telling her kids about her and her husband’s love story and I was inspired. My husband Matt and I are going to be celebrating 11 years of marriage and I started wondering~~ what will we tell our son?

11 Years Later

Where would we start? We grew up together, but I didn’t really know you. I never thought (nobody did really) that God knew we needed each other. How can 2 people so different be so compatible? We were assured that we can help each other where we are weak, but let it be said–that can be exhausting and annoying at time. (Really, your optimism can annoy this pessimist at times). It does hold true~~ we accept what we are, what we are not, and help carry the burdens of each other when needed.

What does a geek with a bachelor’s and a master’s degree see in a girl who just can’t figure out what to go to school for, loves to shop, and seems flighty to most people? Please, tell our son why you looked at me. What was it about me that  you agreed to be set up by your sister ~~ then ask me out again.and again. I will tell him how I saw that you are an introvert, but can be funny. You are smart, genuine, and I knew then and know now that you would die for me. I will admit that I just couldn’t get past your long hair and unkept beard. I hope to remember to tell our son that you shaved your beard, got a haircut, and for that~~ this vegetarian ate a steak due to a lost bet.  In case he doesn’t see it, I will tell him how you enjoy helping people with their computer questions, have the patience of Job, and try to learn from mistakes. I want our son to know that you try to make my life easier everyday that you wake up. (I think it is your personal mission).

You asked me to be your wife a couple of months after dating. We got married exactly one year after our first date. Will we freak out and say it is too soon if our son follows the same timeline? Please, make sure he knows that when someone told you I wasn’t smart enough for you and wouldn’t be able to have conversations with you, that you didn’t care about their opinion. I know I appreciate that. You did what was right for you, for us. You have no problems going against popular opinion. I hope our son sees your integrity.

Let’s make sure he knows that when he gets married to throw tradition out the window and not wait a year to eat the top of the wedding cake. I wish we had it on our honeymoon to snack on. The mini-bar is expensive and I don’t care what others say—cake after 1 year does.not.taste.good.

I hope to tell our son that we don’t do anniversaries the way most people would expect. Do you think he will think we are cool because we celebrated our 1 year anniversary in the Florida Everglades so we can see alligators and go on an airboat ride? There was the one anniversary dinner where we filled our condo with smoke when we made dinner at home. How about our 10 year in Boston so we can see Fenway Park? We need to make sure our son knows that it is his mom who wanted to see Fenway more than you. I want him to see and understand sacrifice. I want him to know that sacrifice can bring joy when done for love. Yes, it can also bring heartache, but hopefully, always worth it.

Speaking of love–tell him when you knew I was “the one”. I will tell him that it took me by surprise, and the surprises don’t stop coming. (Good and bad).  I was surprised that it was you I fell in love with. You are not what I wanted, but now I know that yes I did. I will tell him that when I was a bridesmaid in my friends wedding, I thought “I could do that” with Matt. Only you. That is when I knew. Weird? Maybe.

We will tell him that he has a brother or sister in heaven that we miss, but we are so glad that we have him. Losing our first born was difficult and we survived. We didn’t know how to comfort each other, but we made it through. I also want him to know that being married for awhile before we wanted to expand our family was great and I have no regrets.

I think we should be transparent and tell him that sometimes, we stayed married out of obedience to God. Thank you for always coming home, especially on the days when I didn’t make it a happy home. Let’s make sure our son knows that love is a choice and I can say that I am glad I chose to stay. I hope that not only our son, but when others see us, they see that marriage can be good and not always bad~~ they will want a love story of their own.

I hope everyone who sees us sees how much I appreciate you and love you.

Be blessed:)

Happy Wives Club

3 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

Lessons From Rest Time

06/27/2013 - Author: Jennifer

Yesterday, was a bad day at our home. I feel like I don’t have many good ones. I fail so often as a mom. Yesterday, I felt like a failure. I yelled at my son. Yes, he was being disobedient and I feel like I don’t know what to do when time-outs don’t work and his strong-willed soon-to-be 3 year old self fights me ALL.THE.TIME. These are days I feel like there are lessons God wants me to learn, and I am missing it. Maybe it is patience. Maybe it is love. Maybe it is don’t give up because my son needs boundaries and he is counting on me.

Well, after the fight for rest time (yeah, we didn’t rest during that time), I was scared and exasperated. I mean–what else can I do? I really don’t like fighting and I especially don’t like fighting with my son. It gets more exhausting since he doesn’t talk and can’t communicate what is wrong, what he is thinking, what he wants, needs, etc.  I had to walk away to the living room.

When I got to the living room, I laid down on the couch and declared that mommy needs rest time. Then, I saw a glimpse of love, sorrow, and maybe fear from him. My son came over, asked to get up, and laid down with me. He looked at me like he was hoping I still loved him. He put his little hand on my face. I felt like he was asking me if he was good enough. I don’t know honestly–I really wish he would talk. Does he understand when I apologize? Does he get it when I say I love you, even when it is said right after a time-out? Does he start to obey because I am breaking his spirit, or because it is the right thing to do?

The fight had left him exhausted and he fell asleep on me. We got our rest time, but that didn’t make me feel victorious. I don’t deserve to be his mom. It doesn’t seem fair that I am learning lessons from this awesome little dude, but I thank God that I can be his mom. I am learning to receive grace so much better than I have, and to give grace better than I have.

When my little man forgave me, it reminded me of how much more God forgives me. He sees all of it, and still chooses to love me. Wow! What a gift. What a blessing. What a lesson I need to receive and put into practice.

Motherhood is humbling, scary, fabulous, and so much more. Let’s not do this alone. Let’s be brave with our honesty and encourage each other on this journey.

Thank You God for lessons You are teaching me. Please, heal where I have caused hurt to my son and those I love. Please help me to shine Your light better today than yesterday. Where I am weak, fill in the blanks and fill me. All I have is Yours and Yours to use.  Thank You for letting me be your vessel. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Be blessed:)

Linking-up over at Hope for the Weary Mom today.

6 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

The Aftereffects of Looking

06/25/2013 - Author: Jennifer

I have wrote about when my husband looked at images online and lied about it. I have been told to give him slack.

Let me say–I hear you. I really do. It wasn’t a physical affair, so it wasn’t cheating. Well, I disagree. But that is not what I want to talk about. What happens after the confession? What happens after he says he isn’t looking anymore? What happened to me? What happened in our marriage?

  • I have trust issues. I didn’t before this, but I do now. I wonder if Matt is lying about anything else. I doubt what a lot of people say in the form of a compliment. I can’t help but wonder if they are being genuine?
  • I don’t feel good enough. He can tell me many times how I am gorgeous and the only girl for him, but it is hard for me to believe him.
  • I still struggle with hurt. It creeps in from time to time.
  • I dread the conversations that my son will have to have with his dad. I honestly believe that parents need to be honest with struggles when talking to their kids, but I was always hoping that my husband would have been an overcomer by never giving into temptation. However, it happened, maybe that will make him more accessible to our son when they talk about it.
  • I wonder if there are other men that I never think would ever do this–did they?  Are they lying to their wives?
  • I really don’t want to pursue my husband intimately. I wonder if he is thinking about someone else. I know I am not those girls. The girls he looked at and we see are not real for that matter. I don’t get to airbrush the parts of me that I don’t like. The point is–I wonder if he likes what he has or wishes he had what he now has put in his mind.

So you see, the pain has not gone away. The aftereffects are still here. I don’t know if they will honestly. I don’t know if I can trust anyone again completely, even if that person has never given me a reason not to trust them. I am sorry if that causes my friends hurt. This has caused a cycle of hurt, pain, confusion, and doubt that I feel like will take the rest of my marriage to overcome. Unfortunately, I am having trouble believing that the best is yet to come. Is that my fault? Yes, a small part. Me not wanting to trust again.and again.and again. I don’t ever want to be vulnerable again, and that includes friendships, but I know I must. Maybe I will get there.

Be blessed:)

3 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

Rhythm

06/21/2013 - Author: Jennifer

Every Friday, Lisa-Jo Baker over at Tales from a Gypsy Mama gives us a word and a challenge. To write for 5 minutes without abandon. It is fun and I encourage you to try it. Here we go! The word is…

RHYTHM

Rhythm

This thing we call life has a rhythm to it, yet there is no routine. It is an oxymoron. We don’t have a strict schedule. I don’t follow the rules of motherhood very well, but I like the rhythm we have. I like the flexibility I allow me and my son to have. Our rhythm will change like the weather. We can base what we do when the weather changes. Maybe we will go play in water or the zoo. Sometimes, the rain keeps us in.

Change is good, I think. I look forward to the changing of the rhythm as he grows, this strong-willed and  lovable boy. I try and cherish these moments we have now, like when he wants to dance with me to a certain song. I get my laptop out, and he expects me to play the song so we can dance.

My son sets the rhythm too. He is becoming his own little man and sometimes, I can’t seem to keep up. Yes, change equals growth, and I celebrate it. Sometimes, the rhythm seems fast and sometimes, painfully slow, but I am trying to enjoy this time, here and now, and dance right where we are.

Be blessed:)

Five Minute Friday

10 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

Dating your Husband

06/20/2013 - Author: Jennifer

Do you remember early days of dating? You would do anything together. It didn’t matter. The point was you were spending time together, getting to know each other. What about after you are married or have been married a long time? Do you find dating harder?  Maybe there is more stress or responsibilities in the form of  kids, aging parents or job responsibilities. Or maybe you feel like you are fresh out of ideas.

I have the privilege of being over at Unveiled Wife today. Hope you stop by and read the rest. I have some ideas and would love to hear any of yours.
Be blessed:)

No Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

Overwhelmed by Community

06/10/2013 - Author: Jennifer

My family vacationed in Florida and visited old friends. It was amazing! Yes, I loved visiting the beaches and restaurants where we used to frequent when we lived there, but the best part? The people. The are wonderful! They extended kindess and love, and it humbled me. It overwhelmed me. Their hospitality was second to none.

There is so much blessing in community. I adore my friends in Florida. You know why? They made time. They asked if I wanted to get together. I said yes. They made it happen. There were over 20 people in one house enjoying food and fellowship. Yes, these are busy people. Most of us have kids and schedules and busy lives. Most of the people there are teachers trying to survive the end of the school year and attend graduation parties. One couple is preparing to move half way across the country with kids. Another family there made time to come over and visit while their daughter was visiting from out of state. Can we say busy?  This needy gal needed this fellowship. I needed a reminder that there are people out there who make time to reconnect in real life. I needed to see that it is worth the effort to make people feel important, even if it may be inconvenient. (I do believe that it is NOT an inconvenience if a good time is had. I just don’t).

There is a lot of talk about community, and my Florida friends put it into practice. They set a standard on how to do it. I witnessed a lot of talk about how they help each other by watching each other’s kids and walking together for fellowship. It was amazing to hear how they put community into practice. It just came natural to them. I don’t know if God blessed me with this time of fellowship just to bless me or if was because I needed it. I don’t care. I am grateful.

You hear a lot of chatter that if  you want to make people feel important, make an effort. Be intentional. It isn’t always perfect, but my friendships are worth it. It is not too much to ask. It has proven to me. I love that community and I miss them. Thankfully, God has provided me with a community where I live now, and for that, I am grateful. We make time for each other and when they say they will pray for me, I believe them. They are fabulous and I love them. God fulfilled a need when He blessed me with these gals and I hope that I can be just half the blessing they are to me. I am grateful for His provisions. I am trying to live out community better~~ how about you? How do you do community on semi-regular basis?

Be blessed:)

5 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

My Confusion of Faith

06/04/2013 - Author: Jennifer

I am currently in a confusion of faith. I have been here for almost 2 years now. It is frustrating. I am disappointed. It can be a struggle in my marriage. In 2011, my husband and I, after much prayer and consideration, felt that God was releasing us from where we currently live and moving us back to Florida, where we wanted to be. We met our one roadblock~~ we didn’t sell our house. Yes, we believed God could do the impossible. We prayed expectantly.  We asked for signs, specific ones and thought that we had our confirmations. We were wrong. Since then, I am having a hard time discerning God’s will in my life.  It isn’t  that I didn’t get what I want, it is that I didn’t discern what God’s perfect and pleasing will for my life is.

I would like to tell you that the reading the Bible is enough, that prayer is enough, but honestly, I feel like it isn’t. I want a prophetic word from a prophet, NOT from a biased opinion. Maybe I need to wait more. Maybe I need to accept that what He wants isn’t what I want, but I need to embrace His will for my life anyway. I feel that I have failed in following Him, failed as a Christian or I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be doubting hearing His voice. What’s worse? Satan is pleased and I feel like I just can’t fight hard enough.

If what we didn’t have was a Holy Spirit prompting, then what was it? Were our judgements clouded by selfishness? Did God allow us to go through this trial just for the sake of testing us? Did He allow us the excitement and anticipation just so we could learn failure? Can I be honest? It seems mean to me. I don’t mean that I will succeed in everything I do and I don’t mind trying new things (I am blogging after all~~ way out of my comfort zone here). Failure is going to happen to humans, but what is causing me to have confusion regarding my faith is the fact that my husband and I both felt God leading us. Matt and I desire the will of God above all else and we felt that His will was for us to move and that is what our hearts were aching for. Isn’t that the right combination?

Life experiences have taught me to believe that being in God’s will is better than being out. I will admit to not always liking God’s will, but being obedient is a lot less scary. But what happens when I don’t know how to be obedient? When I don’t hear what He is saying? I am confused. I have been angry. Since then, I have doubted if I am ever hearing God right. If I am following His leading. Will I ever have clarity again? Yes, I know that Christianity isn’t easy, and this isn’t the worse of it, but I did believe that trying to live in obedience to God’s ways would lead to clarity and lead to me knowing His will for us.

I have questions that don’t seem to have answers. I am not trying to complicate the gospel. I am not trying to read too much into it. I am a simple minded person after all. I am angry that I missed what God was saying, or did I?  Is the timing off? I am angry that I just don’t know. I am scared of always making the wrong decisions regarding what God’s will for my life is. What I do know~ God is loving, faithful, patient, and still gives me grace and mercy. All of which I am relying on.

Be blessed:)

3 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

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