My Confusion of Faith06/04/2013 - Author: Jennifer - 3 Comments
I am currently in a confusion of faith. I have been here for almost 2 years now. It is frustrating. I am disappointed. It can be a struggle in my marriage. In 2011, my husband and I, after much prayer and consideration, felt that God was releasing us from where we currently live and moving us back to Florida, where we wanted to be. We met our one roadblock~~ we didn’t sell our house. Yes, we believed God could do the impossible. We prayed expectantly. We asked for signs, specific ones and thought that we had our confirmations. We were wrong. Since then, I am having a hard time discerning God’s will in my life. It isn’t that I didn’t get what I want, it is that I didn’t discern what God’s perfect and pleasing will for my life is.
I would like to tell you that the reading the Bible is enough, that prayer is enough, but honestly, I feel like it isn’t. I want a prophetic word from a prophet, NOT from a biased opinion. Maybe I need to wait more. Maybe I need to accept that what He wants isn’t what I want, but I need to embrace His will for my life anyway. I feel that I have failed in following Him, failed as a Christian or I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be doubting hearing His voice. What’s worse? Satan is pleased and I feel like I just can’t fight hard enough.
If what we didn’t have was a Holy Spirit prompting, then what was it? Were our judgements clouded by selfishness? Did God allow us to go through this trial just for the sake of testing us? Did He allow us the excitement and anticipation just so we could learn failure? Can I be honest? It seems mean to me. I don’t mean that I will succeed in everything I do and I don’t mind trying new things (I am blogging after all~~ way out of my comfort zone here). Failure is going to happen to humans, but what is causing me to have confusion regarding my faith is the fact that my husband and I both felt God leading us. Matt and I desire the will of God above all else and we felt that His will was for us to move and that is what our hearts were aching for. Isn’t that the right combination?
Life experiences have taught me to believe that being in God’s will is better than being out. I will admit to not always liking God’s will, but being obedient is a lot less scary. But what happens when I don’t know how to be obedient? When I don’t hear what He is saying? I am confused. I have been angry. Since then, I have doubted if I am ever hearing God right. If I am following His leading. Will I ever have clarity again? Yes, I know that Christianity isn’t easy, and this isn’t the worse of it, but I did believe that trying to live in obedience to God’s ways would lead to clarity and lead to me knowing His will for us.
I have questions that don’t seem to have answers. I am not trying to complicate the gospel. I am not trying to read too much into it. I am a simple minded person after all. I am angry that I missed what God was saying, or did I? Is the timing off? I am angry that I just don’t know. I am scared of always making the wrong decisions regarding what God’s will for my life is. What I do know~ God is loving, faithful, patient, and still gives me grace and mercy. All of which I am relying on.