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My Confusion of Faith

06/04/2013 - Author: Jennifer - 3 Comments

I am currently in a confusion of faith. I have been here for almost 2 years now. It is frustrating. I am disappointed. It can be a struggle in my marriage. In 2011, my husband and I, after much prayer and consideration, felt that God was releasing us from where we currently live and moving us back to Florida, where we wanted to be. We met our one roadblock~~ we didn’t sell our house. Yes, we believed God could do the impossible. We prayed expectantly.  We asked for signs, specific ones and thought that we had our confirmations. We were wrong. Since then, I am having a hard time discerning God’s will in my life.  It isn’t  that I didn’t get what I want, it is that I didn’t discern what God’s perfect and pleasing will for my life is.

I would like to tell you that the reading the Bible is enough, that prayer is enough, but honestly, I feel like it isn’t. I want a prophetic word from a prophet, NOT from a biased opinion. Maybe I need to wait more. Maybe I need to accept that what He wants isn’t what I want, but I need to embrace His will for my life anyway. I feel that I have failed in following Him, failed as a Christian or I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be doubting hearing His voice. What’s worse? Satan is pleased and I feel like I just can’t fight hard enough.

If what we didn’t have was a Holy Spirit prompting, then what was it? Were our judgements clouded by selfishness? Did God allow us to go through this trial just for the sake of testing us? Did He allow us the excitement and anticipation just so we could learn failure? Can I be honest? It seems mean to me. I don’t mean that I will succeed in everything I do and I don’t mind trying new things (I am blogging after all~~ way out of my comfort zone here). Failure is going to happen to humans, but what is causing me to have confusion regarding my faith is the fact that my husband and I both felt God leading us. Matt and I desire the will of God above all else and we felt that His will was for us to move and that is what our hearts were aching for. Isn’t that the right combination?

Life experiences have taught me to believe that being in God’s will is better than being out. I will admit to not always liking God’s will, but being obedient is a lot less scary. But what happens when I don’t know how to be obedient? When I don’t hear what He is saying? I am confused. I have been angry. Since then, I have doubted if I am ever hearing God right. If I am following His leading. Will I ever have clarity again? Yes, I know that Christianity isn’t easy, and this isn’t the worse of it, but I did believe that trying to live in obedience to God’s ways would lead to clarity and lead to me knowing His will for us.

I have questions that don’t seem to have answers. I am not trying to complicate the gospel. I am not trying to read too much into it. I am a simple minded person after all. I am angry that I missed what God was saying, or did I?  Is the timing off? I am angry that I just don’t know. I am scared of always making the wrong decisions regarding what God’s will for my life is. What I do know~ God is loving, faithful, patient, and still gives me grace and mercy. All of which I am relying on.

Be blessed:)

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Discussion (3 Comments)

  1. by Karie Helmuth

    His timing is not our own, we are a NoW, like RIGHT NOW kind of world, a lot of places it says, be still and know he is Holy, we can’t demand anything of him, especially answers, it needs to be ok Lord, this is what you want, can you please show us the way, No one understands why things have to happen the way and why they do, but sometimes in the end, is when it all makes sense. Its the Journey, and the Faith, not the end results. Hope this makes sense….

  2. Oh, dear friend… I KNOW this place. I, too, lived in it for several years, heartbreaking years where I felt like I had an emotional break down everyday. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t function and everything was out of control. I was mad at God for being so mean and tricking us. I was afraid my husband was going to leave me because he didn’t want to deal with my crazy confusion.
    But GOD…
    God asked us to push out of our comfort zone and we did. We thought that that was surely the answer, but it wasn’t. God was just asking us to obey, pushing us, prompting us. Even though I can’t say that I totally understand it yet, He has blessed us immeasurably! He knows your heart, He knows how you long to do what He asks.
    Just breathe, take it day by day and count your joys. He will give you answers in His timing.

  3. by Penny Schwickerath

    To me, failing is giving up on Him, and you haven’t. As Karie said, this life is a journey. Sometimes the questions are what bring us closer to Him, and isn’t that what He really wants? Sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and go on. I had a job once that was emotionally SO hard. I knew I was where God wanted me to be, but I didn’t (and still don’t) know why He put me there. So I learned to just say, “Lord, I trust you.” Proverbs 3:5 is a favorite (though I don’t live up to its standard as I would like to): “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; don’t depend on your own understanding.Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take. NLT” Am I trusting Him with ALL my heart? So with the job, I just said, “Lord, I don’t know why you put me there, but you said that you will work ALL things for my good because I trust in You and am called according to Your purpose.” And He did work it for my good because through that my faith in Him grew, just like I see yours grow also. I’ve learned that if He opens a door, I’ll walk through it, and if He closes a door, it’s because He loves me and wants the best for me. Sometimes it’s hard to see, so I just have to take it by faith, because He can’t go against Who He is, the Bible tells us He is love.
    I’ve watched you grow in your faith and your faith walk in the last two years, too. So it may feel to you like you’re in a confusion of faith, but I see in you obedience to walk the way He would have you to walk, which is to walk according to His Word. I’m so proud of you for that; it’s not easy, but you are choosing to do it.
    God bless you abundantly, exceedingly well! We love you!

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