The Aftereffects of Looking06/25/2013 - Author: Jennifer - 3 Comments
I have wrote about when my husband looked at images online and lied about it. I have been told to give him slack.
Let me say–I hear you. I really do. It wasn’t a physical affair, so it wasn’t cheating. Well, I disagree. But that is not what I want to talk about. What happens after the confession? What happens after he says he isn’t looking anymore? What happened to me? What happened in our marriage?
- I have trust issues. I didn’t before this, but I do now. I wonder if Matt is lying about anything else. I doubt what a lot of people say in the form of a compliment. I can’t help but wonder if they are being genuine?
- I don’t feel good enough. He can tell me many times how I am gorgeous and the only girl for him, but it is hard for me to believe him.
- I still struggle with hurt. It creeps in from time to time.
- I dread the conversations that my son will have to have with his dad. I honestly believe that parents need to be honest with struggles when talking to their kids, but I was always hoping that my husband would have been an overcomer by never giving into temptation. However, it happened, maybe that will make him more accessible to our son when they talk about it.
- I wonder if there are other men that I never think would ever do this–did they? Are they lying to their wives?
- I really don’t want to pursue my husband intimately. I wonder if he is thinking about someone else. I know I am not those girls. The girls he looked at and we see are not real for that matter. I don’t get to airbrush the parts of me that I don’t like. The point is–I wonder if he likes what he has or wishes he had what he now has put in his mind.
So you see, the pain has not gone away. The aftereffects are still here. I don’t know if they will honestly. I don’t know if I can trust anyone again completely, even if that person has never given me a reason not to trust them. I am sorry if that causes my friends hurt. This has caused a cycle of hurt, pain, confusion, and doubt that I feel like will take the rest of my marriage to overcome. Unfortunately, I am having trouble believing that the best is yet to come. Is that my fault? Yes, a small part. Me not wanting to trust again.and again.and again. I don’t ever want to be vulnerable again, and that includes friendships, but I know I must. Maybe I will get there.