Being Obedient To Be Refined08/15/2013 - Author: Jennifer - 31 Comments
I have wrote about my marriage and how hard it is. Nothing new there, right? However, when asked about radical obedience, I have to pause. Staying in my marriage shouldn’t be about radical obedience. I feel as if I have given up so much and I don’t want to give up anymore of my dreams and desires. However, I feel that is what I am being asked to do. Again. Radical obedience. Past choices on my husband’s and my part have led us here. I feel I am in a prison of consequences and unhappiness, but I have to believe that God still has better for me if I start saying yes to Him, listen to Him, and allow Him to use what bad I have done for my good and His glory. That is going to take radical obedience.
I am learning is that I have not loved my husband enough. I am not saying that I caused him to hurt me. I am not saying that it is my fault that he made the choices he made, or even the excuses he tried to provide me. I am not excusing him for what he has done and the hurt and humiliation he has caused me. What I am saying is that I am learning that my love for my husband has been conditional. If Matt wouldn’t do this or that, then loving him would be easy. Maybe so, but it isn’t the love God has called you and me to show to His children. I have to love unconditionally~~ that shows I am His child and that I know Him (1 John 4:7-8). Right now, I am in the midst of hurt and yet, I feel numb. (That scares me). I am married as an act of obedience to my vows and to my God. Honestly, I can’t say I FEEL love for him. I don’t feel that I am CHOOSING to love either.
Is God using this for me to be refined? To be better? To love my husband more? To love through the hurt and humiliation? I think He might. Maybe I need to allow Him to~~ to open up my heart and let Him heal. Yes, I know Jesus loved through hurt and humiliation (and still loves us like nobody else can). To answer question 4 from Chapter 2 of What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa TerKeurst ~~ YES~~this is beyond me. Maybe I should be embarrassed to admit, but allowing God to do a work in me and not giving up on my marriage seems to be radical obedience on my part. (Side note~~ I am NOT talking abuse or dangerous situations. I am not talking about people having affairs without remorse).
I have also had a Say What? moment. For now, since I still don’t know if it is me or Him and I am waiting to see what happens and keeping it to myself. If it is Him, I am going to say yes! If it is me, then please God, don’t allow me to do act on it.