The Guilt Has Started10/13/2013 - Author: Jennifer - 6 Comments
Tomorrow will be his first day of pre-school. I know this is a good thing. There has been a lot of paperwork and evaluations leading up to this. It has been emotionally exhausting. It has been a long road getting here.
I think he knows. He doesn’t say anything. It is hard to gauge what he is feeling or thinking. That happens when you have a child with special needs and delay. I do not know when he is nervous. I do not know when he is excited. I do not know when he is anticipatory. This scares me. I feel a range of emotions. One of them is guilt.
I started a new job. I am excited, but struggle with mommy guilt. My son started going to daycare. I did not drop him off or pick him up that day. I was at my new job. I feel guilt. I will have the pleasure of dropping him off on his first day, but I will not be able to pick him up. I will be training at my new job. I am crying because of the guilt I feel. I also cry over the time I will not have with him. I am mourning over not enjoying my time at home with him more. I have prayed for forgiveness for my lack of appreciation for what I had.
When my son goes on his first field trip, I will not be able to go. Will he be the only one without his mom or dad who does not go? This is hurting me more than I ever thought it would. Does my son know that even if I can’t be there that I still love him? What does my son know? What does my son feel? Again, developmentally delayed and special needs hinders me from knowing.
These next couple of weeks will have my family in upheaval as we move into our new normal. The guilt I feel is heavy, even though my son and husband are adaptable. Honestly, this could not be done without my husband.
Yes, I know I have only 1 child. Yes, those of you with more kids have more chaos than me. Can I ask a favor? Please do not downplay how hard this is for me. He is my only child here on earth. I don’t get a “practice run” if you will. This is stressful. This is a happy time and a sad time for me. Please respect that.
So, I have guilt. I have excitement. I have gratefulness. I am in awe at how God has orchestrated this job. I know that my family is in His will. I do wonder if I will be a better mom because I have started working outside of the home. Is that wrong?
I will not let Satan take me down with guilt. You can help. Prayers and advice appreciated. I need all the strength and peace I can get.