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When I am Angry at God

09/13/2015 - Author: Jennifer

When I am Angry at GodI have this struggle. I have a lot of struggles, but this one seems to make me go in circles and makes me mad at God. A lot. It threatens my belief in Him. It makes me cry and yell(maybe you can call it a tantrum), but I am not understanding. The struggle is believing God and the Bible when I am obedient in prayer. Let me try to explain.

Psalm 5:3 says this–Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord.
    Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

Ok–this hit me. I will admit that praying is something that has become a good church girl routine or more like an SOS. So reading this verse makes me realize that I need to change how I pray. I need to pray with expectations. I need to expect that God will answer. So I tried that recently. Guess what? It didn’t work. God did not give us the answer we prayed for.  No kidding. I don’t know why. My husband and I prayed for the same thing AND expected God to answer for us in a specific way. I even went as far as having faith bigger than a mustard seed. (or did I)?

Now there are other verses that I am wrestling with God over. ( He will win, I know, but the struggle is real for me here folks. Maybe Hebrews 4:16 applies to me here). Psalm 37:3-7 is making me ask some questions to myself. Am I not happy with what God is doing? Do I have commitment issues?

I have said in the past about a couple of other verses that have made me pause. When I am doing what the Bible says and I believe that I am in His will and the opposite seems to happen, it seems like the exertion of faith was all for nothing. Yet, I still believe that He is bigger and better than I can dream for myself. Maybe there is a collision of faith here.

I know that I need to have more of an open mind and heart to what He is saying to me. So is God confirming my lack of faith because I am not praying expectantly enough or is it really not His will? Am I not doing my part–just sitting back and wanting Him to do it all when He wants me to be moving? Honestly, I don’t know.

I think one of the worst things about this is that I feel that I am sounding like I am entitled. After what Jesus did on Calvary, well, I should be beyond grateful and live for Him. So, I am sorry if that is how this is coming across.

What are your thoughts? Can you help this girl out? Have you been where I am?

Be blessed 🙂

As a side note, it was a small request compared to others, but none the less, my struggle is real.

3 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

Prayed for Future Husband, Praying for Now Husband

01/12/2015 - Author: Jennifer

Screenshot 2015-01-12 22.57.09Ladies, I know I am not alone. We are told from a young age to pray for your future husbands. We are told to make a list and tell God (basically recite it). Now, I am not saying to not tell God what you think you want. I did it. It sounded so spiritual and Scriptural (Psalm 37:4 anyone)? This was easy for me. (I don’t remember praying for my role as a wife very often, oddly enough). Now that I have been married for a dozen years, I have been humbled by a real lesson:

Pray for future husband=easy. Praying for the man I married and for my marriage=hard.

Not that I have never prayed for my husband or marriage–I have intermittently. They have ranged from blissful lovey-dovey (thank you God for my marriage), asking for God’s favor (please bless this marriage), to desperate (God save my marriage!).

I have asked God a couple of questions when I have prayed:

  • God who is THIS man?
  • Why did THIS happen?
  • Why did I marry him? (I will say that I feel the advice to remember why you got married in the 1st place feels ill-advised when I am going thru a hard season. People change and if he isn’t the same man anymore, I need a new reason).
  • WHO am I? I don’t remember anymore.

I have also been bossy and told God what to do (He is God. He can handle my bossiness):

  • Since You allowed this to happen, help me!
  • My husband does not meet my list/needs/wants that I prayed for or meets my expectations. Open his eyes.
  • He doesn’t get me anymore. Please tell him what I need since me talking is not working.

Why is it hard to pray for my husband? Why do I not devote sometime EVERYDAY to praying for someone that I made a covenant with and promised to forsake everyone else? I have a list of excuses:

  • Facing an unknown diagnosis/future for our son
  • Selfishness
  • Pride
  • Feeling defeated
  • Doubt
  • Life gets in the way. (Social commitments, church, family, etc.).
  • Health issues
  • Family issues (mine and his).

In all fairness, I do also fail to to consistently pray for me. I am a work in progress. I have no excuses.

I type this for a couple of reasons.

  1. I want to be honest and say that praying for my marriage is something I struggle with and I hope that I am not alone.
  2. Go ahead and tell God what you want, but you might be surprised. I married a man completely opposite of what I thought I wanted and honestly needed. Yes, I know saying needed will offend people, but I am just trying to live and learn where He leads and marriage is one of the ways He is refining me. I am trying to go with it.
  3. I can not give up! I can’t give up on this marriage when I don’t get my way or when times are hard.
  4. The Bible says to not stop praying. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Wives are you with me? Let’s commit not making any more excuses and be consistent in praying for the most important relationship here on earth?

Be blessed 🙂

No Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

Is There Really A Purpose To Marriage?

04/01/2014 - Author: Jennifer

I had the privilege of chatting with Unveiled Wife about Day 1 in her devotional Wife After God. You can click here to see the video. I wanted to expand on it a little bit.

I need to live less selflessly. I can’t serve expecting something in return. I can’t serve thinking that I am the better spouse. I have to stop thinking of ways that Matt can be better and how I can help him be better. I need to let God take care of him. If He wants to use me, then I am honored.  I also need to pray for me to be a better wife. I believe that being a better wife is being a better servant to Jesus.

It is true that I have never thought about marriage serving a purpose. Jennifer really did open my eyes to see that it does! How cool is that? That God would allow my marriage to be used for Him? (If I let Him). How amazing is it that one of the biggest blessings from Him can be a tool for Him? Ummm…sure! It never occurred to me that marriage can mirror God’s love–marriage can tell God’s love story. How did I miss this?! Ephesians 5:22-33 talks about it, but all I ever heard was how wives should submit. (People usually don’t talk about how husbands are to die for their wives, but, that is another topic).

Jennifer asked me something that God has taught me. One of the lessons is that Satan is the enemy, not Matt. Another one that I want to focus on is that God is always there. I remember hearing that growing up in Church, but it was usually in relation to sin. To me, it seemed like God was looking down ready to punish me when I sinned. I felt like church people were trying to help me not sin and disappoint God. Then I read it in the book To Walk or Stay by Lara Williams and saw it in another way. I saw grace. Then I didn’t give anymore thought until it hit me in the head. However, I can honestly say that I HAVE FELT GOD WITH ME when I followed His will and when I have not. When I doubt. When I fear. When I am faithful and obedient to His Word. When I use harsh words. When I have bad thoughts. When I have tried to leave my marriage. When I go to counseling. He.is.always.there. He never left me. When I asked God “Do I really have to do this?” and I already knew the answer. God taught me/proved to me that He didn’t show up–He was already there and always is. [Really, I cringe when people pray for God to show up. I am ok if, like me, you ask Him to reveal what He wants or prove Himself (again). I am thankful for grace. OK–enough ranting].

Another way that my marriage is a mirror of God’s love is grace. I am giving it and so is my husband. Jesus does this daily for me, so it is only right that it goes into my marriage.

Yes, I know that all marriages need grace and selflessness, but for some people, grace comes a whole lot easier for them than it does for me. There are wives out there who serve joyfully with ease. I am too lazy and selfish for that sometimes. Maybe sacrifice is a way your marriage tells people about Jesus and His love for you, me, and them. Maybe it is something else.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am to Jennifer’s obedience to serving God with Unveiled Wife. I encourage wives out there to get the devotional. It might be hard to do, but worth it!

Also, thank you Jennifer for taking the time to chat and for the opportunity to serve in the Unveiled Wife community.

Be blessed 🙂

P.S. I do roll my eyes a lot, but it is not because I am bored. I assure you. I have a tic and my eyes do that and I don’t even notice it.

6 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

After the Conference, during the Devotionals

08/05/2013 - Author: Jennifer

For many years, I thought that you only attended a marriage conference, read marriage books, etc. when your marriage was in trouble. Then, I thought that if you read the books and put into practice what you read, that you wouldn’t have those same issues. Your marriage would be stronger. I never thought that you cold do those things when marriage was good. Attending and doing those things were a sign that your marriage was bad. A bad sign.

I didn’t know that you could attend/do those things when things were good and to help your marriage. I didn’t know books and conferences could maybe help prevent bad or even worsening things to happen in your marriage. I never saw them as a way to protect my marriage. I certainly did not know times would get harder. I thought you only fought when you disagreed what was being said, not an attack from the enemy.

Well, I am learning that conferences can help a good or bad marriage and that times will get hard if effort is being put forth. Not just because change is hard, but because Satan doesn’t like strong marriages, especially when a husband and wife work as a team by seeking God and studying His Word together.

So, I caution you—your marriage may get harder and you may fight more., but please DO NOT LET SATAN WIN. Fight the good fight.

As a side note, I don’t believe this applies only to marriages. I believe this can happen in your workplace, parenting, etc. My marriage is just one area that I am fighting for.

Be blessed:)

3 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

Marriage Under Attack

07/31/2013 - Author: Jennifer

Marriage Under AttackRecently, my marriage has been under attack. I should not have been surprised, but I was at first. I should not have been surprised because my husband Matt and I are committed to working on our marriage. We are committed to strengthening, nurturing, and enjoying our marriage by reading books, praying for each other, doing devotionals. We also recently attended a simulcast. I have talked about refinement. When you try harder to improve–attacks come. Well, we are being attacked.

It should not have come as a shock that our marriage was being attacked after I wrote an article on reconciliation and that I was going to have to put it into practice.

I really should not have been taken aback when my husband fell into temptation. Still, I was caught off-guard because I pray for him. I pray for his constant struggles with this, but I have been selfish in my prayers. I pray not just so he will exercise self-control and honor God (these are good reasons),  but I prayed that Matt would overcome temptation because I do not want to be hurt in this way again.  I need to refocus a little bit in how I pray to be a more effective prayer warrior.

When I pray for me  and in my role as Matt’s wife, I need to ask God to guide me as how to be the best helpmate to my husband. I need God to give me the strength and desire to trust my husband again. I have put the responsibility of restitution on my husband and I have not prayed for God to show me MY role towards restitution after the attack. Oh, I prayed that God would help me overcome and be stronger, but my role towards reconciliation—nope. That was reserved for my husband. I just wanted to look good and not do any work.

At first I was mad at my husband for doing what he did and then making excuses.  After the weekend was over, I was mad at Satan.  I am not saying that being mad at my husband was wrong, but I have to remember that Satan is the enemy, not Matt. Matt and I need to fight Satan together, not fight each other.

I feel the prayers that are being prayed for Matt and our marriage. My husband is taking more steps to help him in this area. My heart is softening towards him. I said things to my husband that I had to apologize for.  We are both in this marriage and we are both sinners saved by grace. I need to remember that.

So now, I am asking a favor. I need you. I need you to keep me accountable. I would appreciate it if you messaged me to ask me if I have prayed for my husband, and not selfishly. Can you do that?

Be blessed:)

9 Comments - Categories: Uncategorized

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